Madison Mash-em-Up is Approaching

Madison.

November 11th (Veteran's Day).

Be there.

Brammer flies back into town November 9th, I have no confirmation - verbal or written - if he plans on attending the mash-em-up, but I assume he will be there and getting hugged an awful lot.

See you all soon.

(You can all stay with Pat)

New Look

Hey guys, I snazzed up the place a bit. If anything's bad, let me knows, and down it goes. (Rhymes make plural knows okay.)

Geek Alert!

I just saw an ad for this:

EXCLUSIVELY at Target!
Documentary featuring Star Wars fans waiting to see Episodes II and III.

Think what losers will be on that. They had to have known the movies were going to be bad considering how Episode I turned out.

Only the Conan skit with Triumph could save this thing, even being priced at $4.99, but alas, that was for Episode I.

Zombie City

First, welcome to the blogolution, Wipert! Also, I am extremely excited about Wipert turning us on to Zombie City. I am loving this game so much. I am setup as El Matador, and am currently holed up in Milen Hills, hoping to meet up with Goose Fraba (Pat), and Wipert's zombie horde.

I already killed one zombie, and tried in vein to find more pistol ammo at a local police station. I'm in a building with a few civilians who have leveled up a couple of times. I just hope that our little strong hold makes it through the night so I can search again. Pat and I will meet up tomorrow, most likely, and regroup before heading South-East to Vine Town to start some sort of dead, un-dead village together.

I am seriously considering creating a third blog to house Zombie City talk.

News Flash

Sightings of Capsasaurus have occurred around the greater Orlando area. More news (and photos!) will be posted as it is received.

FYI: spell-check recommends sapsucker as an alternative to Capsasaurus

Free Games

Go to http://www.liberatedgames.com/, they have a ton of older games (which the companies have released for free since they're getting old). Sweet stuff - Duke Nukem 3D, Doom, Doom 2, Hexen, F'n Quake III, a million things. Go check it out.

Saw III can't come soon enough

Today I disembarked on a cinematic journey. Though it can't compare with some of the double-headers I have read about as of late, all I can say (in Dan's words) is "Well Done"[while clapping].

As I enter the sparsely occupied theater, I find a good seat and remove the boxes of Dots and Sour Patch Kids that I smuggled in. I was a few minutes late, so I did not catch the beginning of the previews, but I did not miss much.
It seems that there is going to be an Underworld 2: Underworld Evolution. This looks just as promising as the first, but I did not see any future whips in the preview. If the director was stupid enough to leave out the future whips, he deserves the low box office return that no-doubtedly will result.

I am not going to post about the movie now because I don't want to ruin it for everyone, but I would recommend going to see it right now; It is definitely worth it. Saw II has just as many plot turns as the first as is probably more gruesome and disturbing. Though some parts of the movie are predictable and the acting is slightly better than the first, you should definitely not miss this one.

If you have not seen the original Saw or don't remember it (what is wrong with you!) you should definitely see it before this one. The Saw franchise is definitely alive and kicking even if it's victims aren't.

Extra Mootzarella, Please Strikes Again

Read about Dan's antics here.

Of course, what these bobbies don't know is that Dan FLEW the car away, using his Hogwarts magic. It's all in the wrist, people.

Fluff con fluffo

What's Up With The Blogulator Boys?

We love Chris and Qualler.
But they are morphing into the blogging world's peanut gallery.


I'm worried about the rift that seems to be forming in the once indomitable bloging community. Polley and Qualler, what's up? Remember Chris Polley's fantastic post, Cartoons and Porn are Based on Regular Movies? Remember when Qualler also wrote things? Those were great times.

I take responsibility for quite possibly creating the first cracks in the Pop Culture Blogulator's armor with my biting witticism comparing Qauller post to a "glorified comment", but I am also taking responsibility to squashing this developing beef.

The trends are worrisome. Since the 15th of October, we have been graced by only four posts on the Blogulator. In that same time frame we have been graced by 15 comments by the duo (counting comments on 208 and the Blogulator alone). At least four of these comments were written specifically to haul rawkous disses at fellow blog-o-lution-eers.

I enjoy a good comment, and a good blog-diss as much as the next guy. Even more than the next guy, most likely, but it's time to stop criticizing and start blog-i-cizing. I invite Polley and Qualler to contribute, we miss reading blogtastic blogs by our blog-buddies. Bring them back; Life After 208 will welcome you with open blog-arms.

-Humans For Blogs

Quick Break From Rehearsal

Ok - it's been a while sense I've posted. I'm sorry. My dance troop has been working overtime choreographing our "Goblet of Fire" routine in time for the movie opening in November. It should be pretty fantastic.

I did get enough time off to watch the Gilmore Girls last night. I loved it. I didn't get anything done at work because I was literally clapping all day long. I loved the Lorelei and Luke's Halloween argument. I loved when Luke buckled in an attempt to make Lorelei feel better. The Diss Fest was fantastic and the few moments of Lorelei and Rory talking were great. Oh yeah - they mentioned Rory having sex like 58 times.

- Hold on one second -

Ok, I'm back. I had to clap a little more - literally.

Well it looks like no new episode next week but I'm sure it will be great when it comes back. Until then I'll probably be clapping. Or dancing.

More Like Diss Fest 2005

Gilmore Girls. Wow. Talk about the most diss-ful two minutes in the history of television. Great episode, very nice continuation of the plot, all good stuff. It seems that at the moment we have everyone on board except for Rory. And she'll come around. Oh boy will she come around. That's all I'll say, as apparently not everyone watches the scenes from next week, but hold on to your asses.

Did you catch the brief spats of banter? That good 'ol Gilmore Girls banter? It was there. It's still there. It just needs to be reawakened like a sleeping giant. It looks like Japan will bomb Pearl Harbor next week...

Wait. What the f. I just looked at the WB's website. It appears they are rerunning the season premier next week. And before the scenes it did say, "In the comming weeks" or something along those lines. Aw crap, looks like I'm killing myself next Tuesday.
(No Gilmore Girls + no Arrested Development in the same week = me killing myself)

Great Backgrounds

A fellow David, David Lanham, has a site here that is an absolute orgy of great background art. Check it out if you care what your desktop looks like at all.

Kel Update

After asking Kenan to get Kel back in my last post, I did a quick IMDB search and found out what Kel has been up to. It turns out he basically hit every bad children's movie to come out for the past few years. Every gamble was a disaster for Kel, it seems. Check his resume:

• The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle*
  
• Clifford the Big Red Dog
  
• Clifford's Really Big Movie
  
• Ganked
  
• Like Mike 2: Street Ball

*Holy cow, fellow former Best Buy employees: do you remember when we got those free Bullwinkle shirts? Haha, great times.

Kel, Kel, Kel. Let's try something more like Mystery Men again, shall we? You should have jumped on Ben Stiller's coat tails right then and there. You absolutely could have been the nerdy guy in Dodge Ball. Kel, I hate to say it, Kel, but you got served.

You know what else I learned through the internet? On Kenan and Kel the guys' names were "Kenan Rockmore" and "Kel Kimble". In real life their names are "Kenan Thompson" and "Kel Mitchell". So it turns out they were in character!

Another Doubleheader Review

Talk about a weird doubleheader. It went down Sunday, and though one movie was watched on TV, it wasn't one you had to see in the theater, so I think it still counts. Enjoy!

Capote
This was good. I didn't know anything about Truman Capote, so the story was all new to me. In case you, like myself, are an uneducated slob, Truman Capote was a writer in the 50's. He wrote In Cold Blood, which was considered the first "non-ficton novel". My understanding is that he wrote the about a true event, but wrote it as if it were a fiction novel. I'm sure one of your english majors (or just someone who has read the book) could give a better explination than that.

So a family in Kansas is murdered, all shot in the head with a shotgun in their house. It turns out two random criminals did it, and Capote interviews them to write a book about them. The movie chronicles the relationship between Capote and one of the murderers, as Capote becomes more and more of a bastard, doing anything to get the story, and he grows to hate himself. At least that's what I saw. The majority of the movie is very moody and sort of down, but there are also a few geniunely funny moments. I'd definately recommend this, just make sure you're in the mood for a serious movie.

Fat Albert
Upon returning home from Capote, what better to do than plop down and watch Kennan in a fat suit? NOTHING! This turned out to be much more of a family movie than I expected. There were lessons learned and fun had. Bullies were bested and dances were spontaneously busted out.

Top Moments in Fat Albert
5. "Buck Buck". What the f? This is a game that the cartoon versions of the guys play against a rival group of dudes. The game, so far as I can tell, goes like this: one team stands in a group, and the other team jumps on top of them, one at a time. If the first team can hold them all up, they win. This, of course, means that Fat Albert is the ultimate buck buck player, as he is fat.
4. The ending. Suprisingly nice, Cosby brings his friends that he based the gang on to the real Fat Albert's grave.
3. The cameos. From Aaron carter to Bill "Cos-bone" Cosby to the lead singer from Good Charlotte. If kids like 'em, they were probably in this. Also, strangley, it seems that the entire cast of "You Got Served" was in this movie. Remember how that movie was largely cast by members of B2K? They're all here too.
2. The first appearance of the "We're Gonna Have A Good Time" song. The gang randomly bursts into song, complete with horn noises (made with their mouths) and coreographed walking/dancing. Fantastic.
1. Fat Albert dancing on the track. It was the best moment of the preview, and it was the best moment of the movie. It is actually better in the movie, as he is standing on one side of his gang, he asks them to part, he walks deliberately over to that specific spot, then commences to dance his fat ass off.

Just one question, Kenan: Where's Kel? Let's not forget who got you here, big guy. Go back to wherever you two came from, pick him up, and get his ass on television. That boy loves orange soda, and his love of orange soda was the rocketship that got you where you are today. Remember when you two were a pair of best friends, dreamin' and schemin'? I know I do. You owe Kel big time.

If you happened to be around me when I saw a Fat Albert poster during the last year, you know I was looking forward to this movie. It didn't dissapoint. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and say what we're all thinking: Fat Albert: early favorite for the Best Film Oscar.

Blast from the Past

Good news, faithful readers. A couple weeks ago Metzger and I drove down to Chicago to see Tegan and Sara in concert (which oddly enough has not been "blogged" yet). On the way home we stopped at his mom's home in lovely Delafield, WI. Dan had manly things to talk about upstairs, so this left me to converse with his mother (who gave me cookies).

We talked about a variety of topics: my future, selling houses, Delafieldian sprawl. There was one topic, however, that took me by complete surprise.

In my years of knowing Metzger, one thing I've admired about him is his constant desire for self improvement. Whether he's earning his "yellow tips" in Tae Kwon Doe, learning to play the harmonica, or studying Sicilian chess openings (seriously), Metzger is never content unless he's bettering himself in some way.

How do you improve upon this? Beats me.

Little did I know that part of this quest for self improvement contained years and years of dance lessons. Mrs. Mootzgerella con Queso informed me that ever since a young age Metzger had been taking contemporary dance lessons, and that he even had a role in some major productions.

Obviously intrigued, I asked Mrs. Fencehouse what sort of productions, to which she replied, "Oh! I caught his last one on video! Would you like to see it?"

Of course, I affirmed.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed. See if you can spot him in this video.

Oh, Mike.

There's a guy in my office named Mike. Mike has spent the last half hour or so talking to us about how he wants to buy a domain and setup a site called, "Poo Dollar." He will stick dollar bills to the ground using dog poop, then laugh at people who pick them up. He's serious about it. He's going to spend money on this, and put a significant ammount of time into it. He thinks it is not only brilliant, but that it will make him a ton of money in advertising revenue.

What the hell, I ask you? I keep thinking that he's joking, but he has now had John find him a domain that's available, asked me about how you get web hosting, and called his buddy over at a web design firm, talkign about how to setup a website.

If this actually happens I may have to kill myself just for working with him. Or kill him?

More Fun With Zombies

Check THIS out! It's a simulator of a zombie infection in a city. You can adjust the population, size of the military, if the city is bombed, what weapons the soldiers have, all kinds of good stuff.

.

EVE-RY BODY!

EVE-RY BODY!

WHO'S THE BEST?

.

WHO?

.

WHO????

.

(DRUMS)
Ooooooo-Ooooooooooo-Ooooooooooo!

Don't You Tell ME What to Post!

Recently, a fellow Blogolutioneer called into question my decision to post a happy birthday to my girlfriend here, on the communal blog of former 208 residents. Well, to that blogadude, I say "bah!" While I am glad to see you finally (finally) posted something (anything) to your blog, let's see what we can do about making our posts posts, rather than glorified comments of previous posts. Haha, oh man, that is the best blog-diss I've ever dished out.

Moving on, I was given free Monster this morning from two girls in the back of a Ford F-150 with big tires on it. I will enjoy my free Monster this afternoon. While riding up the elevator with three monsters (procured for my office-mates) and a coffee, AKA enough caffeine to kill me, I got to explain what Monster is to an old guy. It was awesome. Here is my monument to Monster, for giving me free acid to drink.

Happy Quarter-Centennial, Maria!

Today is the lovely Ms. Maria Parrott's birthday. If you know her, send her a big 'ol "Happy Birthday". If you don't, give her a "Get out of my Kitchen". Tonight will feature dinner, cake, and the hugely-hyped reveal of what is in the pantry. Very exciting stuff. Here's to you, Maria!

How baaaaaaahffling

Last Saturday I went to College Library in order to work on a paper. Saturday? Shouldn't I have been at a frat party or working on my tan? Why was I doing this on a Saturday? Good question.

I'm in a group of four people for my sociology/ethnic studies class. We have to deconstruct a current issue relating to race and write a paper about different strategies used by both sides of the debate. To make a long story short, group member X wrote the same section of the paper as I did, only much, much worse. Her solution was for us to each write half of the remaining section. I wasn't exactly pleased about this, but it really wasn't a big deal. It was two pages that any decently educated middle school graduate could write without consulting references. Since I barely fit that description, it was gravy cake.

So after playing Yahoo! Gin for about two hours, I decided I was ready to get to work. But first I needed a Diet Mountain Dew, or DMD as HDR claims we Haydens say. So I went to the vending area in College Library, I bought a DMD, and as I was walking away I saw a piece the following piece of paper wedged behind an electrical outlet behind a table:

My new friend Drew

Intrigued, I went to the computer lab and sent an email to the given address asking what it was for. I didn't want to take it if it was part of an organized game. The "most sheep" led me to believe that it was part of a scavenger hunt, or something similar. The email I sent read:


Hi,

I found a picture of a sheep that said to email this address.

I was wondering if there was some way to find out more about this; it
seems pretty interesting.

Thanks,
PH


Notice how sneaky I was, using my initials only, despite the fact that my entire name will show up as the sender when he receives the email.

When I left the library, I still hadn't heard back, so I decided to take the paper.

Today, I got an email back. It read:


Congratulations you have won the BIG prize!

Though Little Bo Peep still needs confirmation of the safety of her sheep.
Please forward a photo of you with the sheep to this email and your prize
with be sent immediately.

The lost sheep investigative staff!


I googled the name that was on the email I got back, and it looks like he's a student artist. I'm really curious as to what "the BIG prize" is. I think I'm gonna do it. Maybe I should take a picture of the paper with Metzger while he's sleeping, just to be safe.

I will report as the story develops.

HOT!

The title of this post is the first of many notes I took during last night's episode of Gilmore Girls. I resurrected the notetaking process (more on that later) after Chad Igo requested that I review last night's episode on the blog so he could comment on it. Well, Chad, here you go.

In the first scene Lorelai looked ridiculously hot. I'm glad I called her and not Rory. Looks like Metzger's really getting screwed in the deals we've been making. So far I have Lorelai and Sara, while he's stuck with Rory and Tegan. Although, as you can see, we're really both HUGE winners:

Team Hayden



Team Mootzgerina Con Queso

Now, obviously, Lorelai is hot in every episode. Let's discuss the specifics of this episode. It started off with a great Kirk and Taylor scene: Kirk and Andrew come to the town meeting as the founding fathers of Stars Hollow. They're generally pleased with the progress the town has made, but they are confused because the street names have changed! So for the sole purpose to convenience these time traveling old dudes, the town decides to inconvenience everyone else by changing the names back. Very nice, Amy Sherman-Palladino.

Very shortly after this happened both Metzger and I predicted that Lorelai's street name would be bad. Sores and boils alley? More like bores and soils, Amy. We saw that one coming miles away. Are Metzger and I psychics, or has Amy Sherman-Palladino become predictable.

Luckily, Metzger and I are psychics. (Metzger even called the way that the brothers Dean would kill Bloody Mary in the WB's Supernatural! He truly is a wizard!)

On to Luke's newfound "zen," as he puts it. No thank you. Bring back the old "I hate everything, especially myself" Luke of the first five seasons. At least the presence of Emily's urn kicked him back into Taylor hating.

Along with Emily's urn came a clock, and along with the urn and the clock came my two favorite lines of the night. The first was, oddly enough, from Michelle: "Like I'm going to buy an analog clock. Do I look like I'm 205?" The second was Kirk telling the new tourists, "Make sure you see the giant urn at Luke's! The kids will love it!"

Also along with Emily's urn came Luke telling a table full of kids to go ahead and play on the urn. NO PARENTS!

Overall, not a bad episode. There was a good deal of good humor. Rory telling New Tristen that she loved him also brough some unexpectedness to the otherwise routine plot. Remember last week when you all thought Rory was unhappy with New Tristen? Despite all that, immediately after the episode I was mondo-disappointed. Our graphs haven't been overdone yet, have they? Good! Have another!

(Ok, so I just spent thirty minutes making a graph in Excel, only to realize that it was inherently flawed, and I can't use it. Not to mention, we've probably overdone the whole graph thing by now. So forget the graph.)

What I was going to show visually was that last week's episode left us at a ridiculously potent point in the plot. Richard and Emily had just discovered the truth behind Rory's dropping out, they had confronted the New Tristens, and Richard's face led us to believe a Gilmorgasmic episode was brewing for next week.

Unfortunately, much like Avril Lavigne in "My Happy Ending," I was left unsatisfied and wanting that Gilmorgasm. It just didn't happen. Another filler episode. Don't get me wrong. I don't need excessive drama or a continuous flow of large events to enjoy the show, but Amy Sherman-Palladino all but guaranteed it with Richard's face. Over the entirety of last week I kept telling Ger-trude, "I can't wait for Gilmore Girls next week!" This episode simply did not deliver. On top of that, they left us with another highly potent point with Richard bringing the birdhouse to Rory. You gotta love Richard Gilmore.

So next week will be interesting. I'm hoping it will be a series-defining episode, but this time I remain skeptical. Expectations seriously debilitated my enjoyment of this week's episode, and I'm hoping it won't do the same.

Finally, I want to leave you with my two favorite events from this week's Gilmore Girls experience. Neither of these were directly related to the episode.

The first is the replacement of the patented Metzger pillow scream with the patented Metzger double-handed knuckle slapping (you know...the "That hotty's banging!" motion). Twice during this episode Metzger was unable to control himself and let his limp fingers fly, crashing back and forth with one another. It was beautiful.

By far, the best part of this week's Gilmore Girls is the effect that it had on Mootzgorilla and I within 2 minutes of its end. Metzger spent the minute after the show ended clapping and chanting, "Well done, Amy Sherman-Palladino." I spent that minute yelling at him, telling him not to encourage such mediocrity. One minute later we were both on his kitchen floor, fighting over the notes I took. He (literally) ripped them out of my hands, arguing that I wrote down an awful lot for such a disappointing episode. I, defending my notes (and my honor) got up to chase him in the kitchen and pry them out of his hands. Luckily, the only note he read was "Vinyard? FUCK!" which was written in reponse to the vomit-inducing conversation between New Tristen and the older Gilmores.

In retrospect this moment was wonderful.

Gilmore Girls Generally Entertained.

I ejoyed last night's Gilmore Girls quite a bit. There was some good Kirk ("Look, Loreli, I'm sitting in a little gazebo. If you looked really quickly you may think I'm in the normal gazebo but I'm a giant."), some good Luke ("Hey, go ahead, play on my urn."), and some really crazy hot Rory. In the end it was just another filler episode, but it was pleasant, and my dislike of filler episodes was completely brushed aside by the last forty-five seconds (including the scenes from next week).

59 minutes and 45 seconds of Zero Progress
If I may drop a refrence to the top of this very blog: much like Pat Hayden, most of this episode went nowhere. We saw Luke decide to not hate Taylor then go back. We saw street names change, then go back (then go back on going back, but with little consequence). We saw Richard seem concerned with Rory and Logan getting married, then go back. While it was fun to watch, this was pretty inconsequential stuff. The one prevailing force pushing the plot forward was Richard building off that face (note that the face was shown in the preview again). Also, I didn't understand why Emily was sending Loreli all her junk. That was odd to me.

45 seconds of Bliss
Richard FINALLY shows up at Loreli's door and drops the line we saw from last week's preview. Maria and I both shouted when the credits started - grrrr, torture us no longer, Amy-Sherman Palladino.

The scenes from next week confirm a Loreli-Rory-Richard-Emily-Lane-Logan mix-em-up, which can only be good. (Plus Rory is turning 21 - drunk Rory?) And this week escaped without damaging anything, so it was fine. Next week may very well result in parades and a national holiday. I said I wanted this episode to reignite my flame of hope of reconciliation, and I'm happy to report that flame is ablaze once again.

Watch out for blow-out reviews next week. I anticipate a fantastic episode followed by graph-based reviews by not one, not two, but THREE Gilmore Girls freaks. (I'm looking at you, Port & Girzle.) Until then.

P.S. What happened to Jackson being mayor? He got elected, and was mayor for a while, but now he's not. Did he actually quit? I think maybe he did, but I don't remember it.

If we're posting funny old emails:

This is the entirety of an email Pat sent me on December 17th, 2004.

Fwd: hannah torkelson has listed you as a friend...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Re: URGENT! Lingo Question!

Oh the memories....


> From: Community
> Date: December 6, 2002 3:50:30 PM CST
> To: 'Dan Metz ' , Webmaster
> , Programming
>
> Subject: RE: URGENT! Lingo Question!
>
> Hi Daniel Metz,
>
> I'm sorry. I don't have any record of a previous letter from you. You
> can
> get contestant information here:
> http://www.gameshownetwork.com/contestants.php
>
> Lots of luck to your friends! :)
>
> Bren
> Community
> www.gameshownetwork.com
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Dan Metz
> To: Webmaster; Programming; Community; Careers; Advertising
> Sent: 12/6/2002 12:15 PM
> Subject: URGENT! Lingo Question!
> Importance: High
>
> Dear Lingo:
> I must say I am very upset with your failure to respond to my
> previous email. If you will recall, it said that I have two friends
> who
> are literally dying to be Lingo contestants. They have beaten
> countless
> Lingo teams, including the Canadian Jean and Don and the air-guitarring
> Boez. I strongly urge you to reply to this email, and include
> information on how these two Lingo gods can demonstrate their superior
> Lingo prowess. Nothing, not even the dreaded red stopper ball, will
> prevent them from winning the Border's Gift Card ("One gift, a million
> ideas"), The Argus Digital Camera ("An American tradition since 1936"),
> The Croton Watch ("You'll always be on time with a Croton watch"), and
> the Casio EM-500 Pocket PC. I strongly urge you to get in touch with
> me
> as soon as possible, as I am the bridge to the Lingo Gladiators. Thank
> you very much, and I will talk to you soon.
>
> Daniel Metz
> 608.264.1138
> metzger@mootzhouse.org


The best part is that this was the first email we sent them.

Edit: The second best part is that he started it, "Dear Lingo."

Edit: The third best part is that he sent it to five different addresses, including "Careers."

Whoop! Whoop! Spoiler Alert!

WARNING: If you like Gilmore Girls, do not read any article you may come across from the AP about Madeleine Albright appearing on 'Gilmore Girls'. Gives away a little bit of plot-a-tude. I hope she appears tonight so I can get past the thing the article mentions.

Wait, what? Madeleine Albright is appearing on Gilmore Girls?

A Diss from IKEA to the Twin Cities

So I got off the train this morning, looked back it, and found a raukous diss. Truely a cutting, bone-deep, mace-to-the-face diss. IKEA has slammed it to you, Minneapolis and St. Paul. You have been called out by IKEA via an advertising campaign on a train in Chicago. Diss. I figured that since I apparently am the last chain in this round-about diss-path from Sweden to yo face, I should post this ASAP so the fuming can begin.

IKEA recently built their second "Chicagoland" store. Two. Bam. That's about five-hundred acres of inexpensive glassware and cheap-yet-overpriced furniture. This isn't obviously an afront to the Twin Cities until IKEA goes out of their way to announce:

"Ironically, the Twin Cities only have one."

Oh man, how do you like me now, Twin Cities? There may be two cities in your twin cities, but how many IKEAs do you have? Maybe we'll start calling Chicago the Twin IKEAs. You'd probably hate that even more, as it's a play on your name.

It just goes to show you...

IKEA

+The CTA

+Yours Truely

+Blogger
--------------------------
DISS *

Don't shoot the messenger, Twin Cities.
*This is an image I got when searching for "diss" on yahoo images.

pink WAS the new black

I just saw about Dan's magic shirt. I just have to say only the coolest and manliest guys can pull off pink and still get away with it.

(I was attending an 80's party, so at least I have an excuse if you don't buy my statement)

Seriously how did we miss this?

We'll have to catch NH5D next year.

Your Soda Defines You

I just bought this soda to drink with my sub for lunch today. Look at this thing. I feel like a total a-hole buying this. It looks like Halibus' pants back in highschool, remember those? Man, I feel like I should carry this soda in the sleeve of my shirt so people don't see it. God this soda looks stupid.

Move over, Horse of a Different Color. There's a new color-shifter in town, and its name is Metzger's wardrobe!

You probably all remember the Horse of a Different Color from The Wizard of Oz.

What's this horse's favorite color? Neeeeiiiigh-vy Blue.

In the event that you don't remember, let me refresh your memory. The Horse of a Different Color was that crazy horse that kept changing colors. Every time Dorothy, et. al. looked at it, it would be a new, exotic color. (It's just a coincidence that the horse is white in the only decent picture I could find of it, I promise.)

This magical horse was perfect for The Wizard of Oz. What caused the change? Constantly evolving pigment? Perhaps it was just an involuntary defense mechanism? It was inexplicable. It was magical. It was, until now, unique.

Ladies and gentlemen, I spent last Saturday evening with Daniel "Extra Mootzarella, Please" Mootzhouse, and I can attest to his color-shifting wardrobe. Luckily for all of us, I had my camera on me, and I was able to capture his shirt throughout the wild adventure. (Note: I know the wonders of Photoshop may even trump the wonders of the color-shifting wardrobe, but I assure you I did not alter these in any way after they came out of my camera, except to shrink them down.)

We started off the evening like any other evening. Metzger was in his uber-hot green t-shirt that always makes him look like the stud he truly is.

The only thing greener than this shirt, is my envy for Metzger.

All was well. We decided to hop on a train and go meet Molly and Jes to see a Diversity comedy show at Second City. That's when I looked at Metzger, and realized his shirt was no longer green!

Orange ya glad we decided to take the train, O'Ger?

At this point I thought I was going crazy. Unfortunately, I didn't think to check the photgraphic evidence I had already collected, so I assumed the shirt was orange in the first place. I decided my eyes were playing tricks on me. No man's wardrobe can just change in color like that. Or can it?

What's black and white and red all over? Metzger's clothing, FOR NOW!

I sat down on the train, right across from Metzger, and what do ya know? His shirt was red! I started giving him some looks of confusion, leading him to cross his arms in order to "hide" his magic shirt. Look at him avoiding eye contact. What a clodhopper.

Finally, we arrived at the show. I knew Metzger was up to somthing. I HAD to expose his secret to the world. In order to do this I decided to trick Metzger.

"Hey, Ger-trude," I said. "Check out the hotty with the yellow purse behind you! She was saying how she loves a dude in a pink shirt!" Metzger took the bate so hard. With a pink shirt, a smug look on his face, and all the confidence in the world, he approached the yellow-bagged hotty.

Pinky and the Brain (not pictured - I was taking the picture.)

The hotty took one look at Metzger's shirt and fell in love, much to my surprise. I had originally intended to fool Metzger, but instead I hooked him up with a hotty. Added bonus, I suppose. Unfortunately, we were herded into the theater just as she was about to give him her number. Bummer.

Metzger learned a lot about diversity during the show. He decided he wanted to teach the world and dress to emulate the diversity he had just learned about.

"Look. I'm dressed as diverse as that show's cast was!"

Metzger decided to go to an all black outfit, because according to the show, that's what diversity means. He left his white shirt showing to represent the piano player, who had a very small role in the show. (Note: to be fair, there was also an Asian woman in the show. Metzger chose not to represent her.) Needless to say, the crowd (seen behind him) was not pleased with his smart assedness.

Upon revealing the photographic evidence I had collected to one Hollywood Dave Ryan, he was so surprised that he literally turned into the Abominable Snowman.

Even his irises turned white and snowy!

When we asked Metzger about his shirt, he said, "The bills don't pay themselves, guys. Jeez." Confused as to what that meant, we decided that the new Harry Potter video game Metzger bought had something to do with it. While we still don't know the real origin of Metzger's magic shirt, we've gathered all sorts of evidence. Only through rigorous sifting and winnowing will we discover the secret behind the Wardrobe of a Different Color.

Gilmore Girls Rocked.

Hollywood Dave Ryan is a goofball. (Although, he did do a wonderful job with the graph.)

From Metzger and my improvizational pause in hand clapping during the theme song, to the extended shot of Richard's regretfully disappointed face, this episode was the dog's bullocks.

Ok, so that's not true. The first half of the episode was really pretty boring. No one wants to see Emily and her old, ugly friends gossiping about people we will never meet. Richard and Lorelai's interaction was just painful to watch. And Jackson and Sukie telling their kid (who doesn't look like he can stand up, let alone walk to the television) to turn down the tv was horrendously irritating (as was Luke during this scene). At this point I was ready to sit back and tolerate another boring, lackluster episode of Gilmore Girls.

But then it all turned around.

It started when Paris announced her conversion to socialism. Combine that with the funniest Kirk moment since his avant-garde film, the ever-so-brief return of sad Luke (before he got all that poisionous confidence), and his endearing conversation with Lorelai, and we're on our way back up hill.

Then came the beautifully juxtaposed confrontations between the elder Gilmores and the elder New-Tristans. I personally loved both of these interactions. For the first time since I can remember, I was very pleased with Richard and Emily.

All this mounted up to the last shot: Richard's melancholy face as he watched Rory address the attendees of her event, realizing how he had screwed things up. Wow. If the camera was slowly zooming out at the time, I would have sworn I was watching Six Feet Under. I can't wait for next week to see what he intends to do about this. Looks like Rory may end up back at Yale?? Delicious.

It's too bad you didn't like this one, HDR. I personally thought it was the best of the season (if for no other reason, the music during Kirk's dance). Well done, Amy Sheman-Palladino!

Edit: I just rewatched the last 5 minutes at Mootzgerina's place. Genius. I forgot to comment on how Mrs. New Tristen claimed to have "almost died" when she saw Paul McCartney live. Who wrote that line, me?

Gilmore Girls Sucked.

I'm sorry I have to be the one to say it, but that episode was terrible. It's time to put my communications degree to work and analyze all the ways the show failed last night. Let's go straight to the graph.

DPCTR = Dave's Percieved Closeness To Reconciliation

There's a lot to analyze here. First, note that last night's episode has been streched was out so we can see it better. Also note that this is not to scale anywhere anyways. Thirdly, DPCTR is the only thing I care about right now, and (I'm guessing) the biggest concern of everyone. I'm going to go through this by the points labeled with letters.

A) The reason the season has been so great thus far has been its momentum. As you can see, before this week, the DPCTR has been not only going up, but accelerating. Every episode made great strides, every week I was sure that next week would bring us to the smiley face line (no one knows how far along the DPCTR axis the smiley face line really lies, but it marks the point at which Loreli and Rory make up, Loreli and Luke get married, and all is right with the world). A marks the beginning of this week's episode.

B) This week's episode began looking up, Loreli was talking about Rory, Rory seemed chipper, everything was moving along. But then it just stopped. The show slipped into some dumb filler with Loreli and Luke, and Rory set off orginizing her dumb DAR event. Who cares? Nothing happened this week, the initial spike at A was just wishful thinking.

C) The way I see it, C was sometime around when Rory was texting her assistant at dinner with her Grandparents. Or it may have been way earlier. Maybe when Paris showed up. I can't remember which of those two meaningless events happened first. Whatever point in the show this was, it was early.

D) Death valley. The vast majority of the episode. The entire "Loreli wants Luke to want to camp" plot line? Yikes. We all want Luke to want to camp, but couldn't we assume he still does these things off camera, or just throw in a mention of him doing them, or whatever. It didn't warrant that much screen time. This also held all of Rory's "Gee wiz, I sure am good at planning dances for old people," nonsense. This did hold a couple of fun things, like the shot of Luke in the woods pissed and bored, and Kirk's dance.

E) E is right around when Richard finally finds out that the Huntsburgers were really mean to Rory, and gets all mad. He tells Emily, and it looks like things might actually happen! DPCTR turns up a little bit again here - perhaps this will be the catalyst that starts things in motion. Richard and Emily are mad, Richard goes outside to avoid face-punching (I was really dissapointed by the lack of physical violence here), and Emily strides over to Mrs. Huntsburger. Oh man, here it comes, the pay off for all that junk in D.

F) You can see that the peak flattens out, and sort of holds just for a second. This was due to the back to back events of: 1) Emily's telling-off. Yawn. NOT a good triumphant moment. I think a big problem with it was that she basically told Mrs. Huntsburger that Rory and Logan aren't splitting up. But this is part of the problem! It's like she went over to Mrs. Huntsburger and said, (Grandma voice) "Rory and Loreli are going to keep fighting for as long as they want!" It was bad. But, delaying the down turn just for a moment, was 2) Richard's face as he came back in to punch somebody, but is calmed by seeing Rory. This face may have been important (more on the face to come soon).

G) After the possibilities of the ending, I was unfortunate enough to see the scenes from next week. Now, my dvr cut off part way through the scenes, so maybe there's good stuff I didn't see. But from what I saw, we're moving backwards. You all know I am not a Logan-hater. I like Logan, but I think he's part of the bad new life Rory's chosen, and she needs to split with him to truely come back. But from next week's scenes, it looks like they're together for a long time to come. Maybe that's okay, maybe she'll work him into her old life somehow. But I was very saddened to see no Rory - Loreli interaction (after an entire episode with none).

h) In case you're wondering, h was the point when Rory and Loreli were looking at each other outside the church before the baptism.

So, seeing what happened at G, I must offically withdraw my predictions for reconciliation. I no longer anticipate the event. I really hope next week's episode reignites the fire, but right now I'm afraid they're settling into a very D-like pattern for the rest of the season. You can see my DPCTR has dipped below the starting point of the episode, and is now dropping, rather than rising.

The Possibilities of the Face
This entire episode was setup to get to Richard's face at the end. Because of this I am hoping that it will mean something important. Think about it: the episode starts with a random kitchen fire, which results in Richard having to speak to Loreli, and they basically do a little recap for us of what happened between Rory and the Huntsburgers. Thanks, guys. Then there is a huge ammount of run around getting Rory, Richard, Emily, and the Huntsburgers (but not Logan) in the same room together. The entire plot was a device for Richard and Emily to learn the truth and show their teeth a little bit. So where's the pay off?

I'm hoping that Richard saw Rory and sort of realized what was happening to her. I am hoping that starting next episode Richard is going to become a force of change. Perhaps he will push her to return to Yale, maybe he'll go see Loreli and apoligize for not believing her, and tell her he wants to help, if we're lucky Emily and Richard will start putting the family back together and get Rory out of the pool house.

This is the only glimmer of hope I can see from this episode. It was such a huge ordeal just to get this one moment setup, and nothing else happened, so if it doesn't pay off I think this will prove to be a major stumbling point for the season. This was not the time for a filler episode. Because it's the Gilmore Girls, I will give them the bennifit of the doubt. (crosses fingers)

Horror on the Moon

Doubleheader From the Future

0-1
The first doubleheader was something of a bust. But just on the horizon is a potential doubleheadder that may just save the world.

wham bam

The way I see it, Elizabethtown should be Just Like Heaven, minus fake ghosts, plus delightful banter and Pat crying.

Doom should be Transporter 2 minus me sleeping, plus fucking awesome aliens, big guns, and first-person fighting? Amen.

Movie Posters
Elizabethtown
First off, the name. Big Ups to whoever named the movie for not putting an extra 'e' on the end. That would have been dumb and old-timey. Lots of pictures around the side, as if to say, "There is so much to put in this movie poster that the only way to possibly do it is to make lots of little movie posters, shrink them down, then slap them together into a mega-movie-montage-poster." Also, Orlando Bloom is holding an urn there. From what I've heard, that urn has his dead Dad in it, and boy-howdy is he going to have a self-findingly good time distributing his Dad's ashes across this great country of ours. Kirsten Dunst is there too, working as a flight attendant. Looks an awful lot like love is in the air, and not crappy man - non-ghost love, either. Perhaps there will be a bit where Dad's ashes are blown into someone's face? Oh my, only time will tell.
This movie will hopefully prove to nestle warmly into our hearts as proof that mankind can be good and loving and all that fantasticly delicious stuff. We can only hope that Pat's massive tears that he sheds when Bloom and Dunst run off together do not drown those unfortunate enough to be sitting below him in the theater, thus ruining the film for some of them.

Doom
Oddly, I could not find a movie poster for this movie. Perhaps it is because this is a videogame, and videogames don't release movie posters, they release pictures of the Rock looking so mean I might just commit suicide right now for fear I may run into him someday in a bad mood, and I'm much rather just kill myself now on my own terms than even risk the 1/1000000 possibility that the Rock may get his hands on me when he's mad. Good lord, aliens better get the fucking hell out of this guy's way. This movie is everything I love (and am hated for loving) about movies. Give me a gun that's so stupidly large that there's no WAY it needs to fill as much volume as it does, and some scary-ass aliens to kill with said gun. I mean, just look at this thing:
Does the Rock have his homework in that gun? Yes. Yes he does. His homework is to put several million armor-piercing bullets into an alien's slimy face. My one concern about Doom is they have changed the plot drastically: no monsters comming out of a portal from hell, now they're aliens or people infected by a virus or something. But you know, who really cares? If it's evil, and super-strong, and scary, and the Rock can blast it to pieces with a giant gun, I'm happy. A final note about the size of the gun, there is a gun in Doom called the "BFG", which stands for "Big Fucking Gun". That gun he's got there? Not even the BFG. We do know, however, that the BFG is in the movie. Put that together, and you get the fact that at some point in this movie, the Rock will be shooting a gun even stupidly bigger than this one! Remember Aliens? Great movie. HUGE guns. Jesus, some of the guns were so big the marines wore a massive body harness thing just to hold them.

Pressing Concerns Regarding Doubleheader Numero 2
When on earth will this happen? Check it: Doom doesn't come out until the 21st. I'm staying in Chicago that weekend to celebrate Maria's birthday, the next weekend is the 28th, Halloween in Madison (AKA not the best time to head into town), and then it's November already! So I either have to convice Pat "I wuv Legolas" Smellden to hold off on Elizabethtown until November 4th, or I'll need to visit Madison on Halloween (which may already be too late, as Elizabethtown is already in theaters). I suppose Pat can always see it twice.

All in All
I have high hopes for this doubleheader. I hope it happens. I hope people have to take the next day off of work to recover. Be there or be square.

Dan and Pat are here RIGHT NOW

Seriously, Dan and Pat are right here. Right next to me. Reading this. They are:

• DRUNK
  
• HORNY
  
• DEPRESSED
  

This leads to:

• Humor
  
• Yelling at Women
  
• Cries
  

You're all so jealous.

Pat: "Haha, nice! 'So Jealous' Is the name of a Tegan and Sara CD!..
I don't think you need to capitalize 'is', Dave."

Dan and Pat to Arrive at Dave's Drunk, Horny

Immediately after attending the booze and hot lesbian fest that is a Tegan and Sara concert, Dan Metzgar-Kong and Pat Smellden-Facebook will arrive at Dave's apartment reaking of cheep liquors and filled with the desire to "Convert them ladies!" Dave will be horrified but delighted, and will take the pair of wackos out onto the streets, to enjoy the chaos they cause as they continue to buy shots for each other, and proclaim loudly to every lady they meet, "I may not have the boobs, but I got the 'tude!"

Sources indicate that this will go on until the early morning, when Kong and Facebook will wish to return home to eat pizzas and make the moon.

Here's a stupid question

Can I wear a sport coat every day, like a jacket? Or is it more in the sweatshirt category of clothing, and thus can only be worn in rotation? I am not with it. Sorry.

Blogging With a Ghost Contest

We all know Pat loves to quote song lyrics to artist that wrote them. If you don't know about this just ask Ben Gibbard (yes Pat, he heard you). So of course he will try to do this at the Tegan and Sara show (assuming he doesn't die like he says he will). The only real question is what lyrics. Here are my guesses:


Note: First of all Pat would say this last line in his best Sara voice he can produce. Secondly he most likely will be crying.



Also high on my list is Pat walking up to Sara and saying, "So I hear you just want to be bad."

Okay, so here is the deal. I will give $10 to anyone who accurately predicts any Tegan and Sara song lyrics that Pat says if he actually gets to talk to them. Only one guess per person and not one already mentioned. What? You don't know any lyrics? No problem. There is nothing to lose, so you might as well take a guess. Sorry Pat, you can't enter. Finally I whole heartedly encourage you to try and convince Pat to say your phrase any way you can.

Good luck everyone!

some funny links

Hey check these out. I thought they were pretty humorous.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/shining.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/faintinggoats.html

NBC 15: 400, Birds: 0

TV Tower Wires Kill 400 Birds in One Night
Thu Oct 6, 8:03 AM ET

MADISON, Wis. - As many as 400 songbirds were killed in one night after they flew into wires holding up a television tower.
ADVERTISEMENT

The deaths may spur the creation of a group to study the dangers communication towers pose to migrating birds, said specialists with the Department of Natural Resources.

"It's an issue that has been with us for decades," DNR avian ecologist Sumner Matteson said. "But we really haven't done anything about it."

The birds were killed the night of Sept. 13-14 at the WMTV tower.

"There were birds all over the place," said Steven Ugoretz, a DNR environmental specialist who works on tower-related issues.

Searchers found 172 birds around the base of the 1,100-foot tower. Crows, cats and other scavengers took another 200 or more, and Ugoretz estimates more birds likely died because no one searched a heavily wooded area just north of the tower.

A similar kill occurred the night of Sept. 7-8, Ugoretz said.

Such kills are not unusual during spring and fall migrations, though Ugoretz and Matteson said they are an increasing concern because of multiple threats to the world's songbirds.

Most of the dead birds Sept. 14 were warblers. Other birds included red-eyed vireos, American redstarts, ovenbirds, common yellowthroats and a rose-breasted grosbeak.

Matteson and Ugoretz said they want to form a task force of bird experts and communications industry representatives to study the issue. Possible solutions include using lights to illuminate wires and changing the blinking frequency of red warning lights, Matteson said.

A telephone message left for WMTV's general manager was not immediately returned Wednesday.

___

Information from: Wisconsin State Journal, http://www.wisconsinstatejournal.com

The Luckest Squirrel

There once was a squirrel that lived in Madison named Marty. Marty was very small for his age and often got picked on by the other squirrels. Because of this Marty could never got a chance to dig through the good garbage like Ian’s dumpster and all the trash they carried right out the front door at Amy’s Cafe. So he was forces to wait until Wednesdays to for all the houses to put their trash by the side of the road. One day while walking down Bassett Street Marty noticed some mice coming out of 208. Even though these mice were much smaller then Marty they looked they had plenty to eat. Marty went up and talked to the mice.


Marty

“Hello”, Marty said.

“Hi!”, the mice shouted in unison.

“You guys look like you have no problem finding something to eat. How come the bigger squirrels don’t beat you up and take all your food?”

One of the mice looked around and made sure that nobody else could hear him and said, “there are giant holes into this house and the people inside are too afraid to stop us from taking their food! We keep eating all their Gargetos and they keep buying more! You should come in and have some.”

Excitedly Marty followed the mice into 208 and Marty ate more Checks Mix and Gargetos then he ever even imagined. At that time a boy named Dan who lived in the house was very hungry. He went into the kitchen to get some food and Marty got very afraid that he would find them. The mice told him to calm down, because they knew how to handle this. As soon as Dan got near the cupboard one mouse jumped out and ran across the kitchen floor. This scared Dan so much he ran into Pat’s room and hid behind Pat for at least ten minutes. Marty and the mice laughed and laughed and laughed. The mice assured him that he would not be brave enough to come into the kitchen for at least two days. And they were right.

Marty now often got food from 208 often and one day Dan came again into the kitchen while him and the mice were feasting. Again, a mouse ran out and Dan ran away like a little girl and this time dropped something too. It was a little slip of paper. You see Dan didn’t just inherit a fear of small rodents from his family, he also inherited a genetic disposition to gambling and had bought a lottery ticket despite knowing the odds were way way against him. Because you can’t win if you don’t play! Well Marty was the first to pick up the ticket and because he didn’t feel bad about stealing Dan’s food, he didn’t feel bad about stealing his lottery ticket either.

The animals crept into the house to get a look at the TV, which was always on even when nobody was around. At one point, Pat threw CD-Rs and pens at them but didn’t do anything to actually try and stop them. They crept under the orange SNICK couch and watched the TV as the lottery numbers came up.

As the announcer read off the numbers Marty could hardly believe his eyes. Dan had picked all 7 numbers correctly! Marty was going to be a multimillionaire! With this news Marty and the mice at all of Dan’s food that they possibly could and partied late into the night.

The next day Marty cashed in “his” lottery ticket and proceeded to buy out Ian’s and Amy’s Cafe and never let any of the mean squirrels eat any of their garbage ever again. The mean squirrels now had to venture into the residential area’s of the town to find their food. And that is why there are so many damn squirrels digging through the trash in down town Madison.

The End

This weekend

So of course there were many good parts about this weekend, such as seeing old friends, witnessing Kris and Jes get married, etc. All that was expected to be good, so here are five of my favorite moments from the trip, excluding the obvious ones.

5. Listening to Sigur Ros while witnessing the sunset through the downtown Minneapolis sunset, and then again while driving through a beautiful, autumnal scene just outside of Menomonie. You know...that really hilly, winding area on I-94. It was awesome. Also, I don't know why, but the sky is always so vibrant and colorful in Minneapolis.

4. Chris Chris Polley giving me a Mushroom Jazz Five livestrong-esque bracelet. The absurdity of the fact that this bracelet exists is only trumped by the absurdity that there are five Mushroom Jazz albums.

Live strongly, DJ Mark Farina.

3. Looking over at Dave during Just Like Heaven as he was holding his head in his hands, having been disappointed by the movie double header. It totally made sitting through that train wreck of a movie worth it.

2. The Blogulution meeting on Pfeiffer's porch. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but I remember SO MANY HIGH FIVES. I also remember telling Joe he could come "half" in the meeting to take a picture of it for his blog. It's been a long time since I've laughed that hard.

1. Not much can top those moments; however, Dave and I were lucky enough to have been listening to Drive 105 at an opportune moment. As I started the car after dropping my sister off at her dorm, Drive 105 was playing Tegan and Sara. Needless to say, I nearly died. Only Tegan and Sara could top hilarious livestrong bracelets, the blogulution, and Dave's complete disappointment.

0. I just remembered one, so I'm adding it. Chris Polley playing the Best Buy Radio version of the Basement Jaxx's Red Alert during Kris' wedding. Genius, Chris Polley. Absolutely genius. I also like that it promised another Basement Jaxx song that was never delivered. Way to leave us wanting more, Polley.

Guest Post

My dear friends,

Some of you may be doubting my "integrity" after reading the review of my review of The Transporter 2 by one Hollywood "Dave" Ryan. It's not my fault Dave is incapable of experiencing joy. It's also not my fault that ever since I've been wrongfully accused of stealing change and whiskey from he and fellow "poster" Mootzgorilla, he has been dying to make the world question my character. And finally, it's not my fault that he lacks taste.

The fact of the matter is, The Transporter 2 is a fun movie. Just ask IMDb user Eyes_of_Amber or my sister, who several times during and after the showing proclaimed her love for it.

If that's not enough, read the words of one Molly Szymanski, who in response to the original review wrote the following:

PAT!

Just wanted to tell you [I would post it on your blog,
but I don't think it would let me because I'm not a
"member," so feel free to post it for me if you
want.]

Guess what I saw this weekend! The Transporter 2, my
friend. And let me tell you it was all you said it
would be, and MORE. I saw it with my parents [at my
dad's urgent suggestion], when they popped down for a
visit.

Here are my top 3 favorite moments of MY movie going
experience:

1.) When the Transporter uses his IPOD to store and
later transfer screen shots of the bad Russian guy.
GENIUS PRODUCT PROMOTION. Who even remembers that an
IPOD doubles as a hard drive? I mean it was
originally promoted as the dual MP3 player/hard drive,
and I had forgotten!

2.) Every action sequence.

3.) At the end of the movie my mom turns to me and
goes, "I thought this movie was about aliens." Me:
"what?!" Mom: "yeah, I kept waiting for the
transporter to turn into an alien or something, but he
never did. I didn't want to see it because that's
what I thought it was going to be about. I liked it;
I would have gone to see this!" You just did Ma, you
just did.

Oh, additionally, my mom wanted to read your review,
after which she commented, via e-mail:
"This review was hilarious! I was laughing out loud
because seeing the movie gave me great appreciation
for his play by plays. BUT how does he remember all
the detail? Also, well-written."

We salute you for unapologetically finding joy in all
the things life has to offer and sharing that
enthusiasm with others. Well done Pat Hayden.

Sincerely,
MKS

If that's not a convincing endorsement, I don't know what is.

And thank you to Molly's mom for calling my review "well-written." This is probably the first time this has happened since I wrote a story about a squirrel winning the lottery in second grade. That meant a lot to me.

Doubleheader Review

I've decided to finally pen this review. It's going to be a doozy.

THE TRANSPORTER 2 REVIEW
As I'm sure you know, a review of this movie has already been posted by our own Port Smellden. That review was a glowing portrayal of explosions, flying vehicles, and general mayham. It would be boring to review the movie again, so instead...

THE TRANSPORTER 2 REVIEW BY PAT HAYDEN REVIEW
I respect Pat Hayden an awful lot. I put him in the very highest eschalon of geniuses, and take his recommendations to heart (regardless of previous slip-ups including 50 First Dates). That being said, Pat Hayden is an idiot. This review generally paints a picture of a movie that any red-blooded, American macho man like myself would eat up. I was promised steak, instead I got a plain salad in like a really crazy bowl. The Transporter 2 THOUGHT it was bad-ass. It tried so hard to make cool stuff happen, and it often seemed it would, but it never did. For example, remember this?

The Transporter fights off about six guys using a fire hose with a large, metal nozzle. By hooking the hose around paint cans and flinging them at a dude's head, kicking the metal nozzle at a guy like a teather ball, and using the hose as a lasso to catch someone running up the stairs, The Transporter escapes danger again. Oh, and while he's finishing them off, he ties them all up in the hose and turns it on, sending the bad dudes flying everywhere.

First, it was three guys. Sorry. Half the awesomeness gone, right there. Otherwise that's pretty much how it happens, he throws the nozzle around and hits people with it, kicks it at people, etc. (The best move is when a guy runs at the transporter and he just side steps, and tosses a bunch of hose in the bad dude's way, and the bad dude gets all tangled up.) At the end the bad guys are wrapped up, and when the transporter turns the hose on they don't so much, "fly everywhere," as Pat puts it, but rather they sort of slide across the floor in a semi-controled fahion. Yawn.

"Uh oh. There's a crazy Russian supermodel with two automatic, lazer-sighted pistols, and she's shooting the shit out of everything! All I have is this ordinary wooden door to hide behind. Thank God it can withstand gunfire! Now that I did an awesome backwards somersault into this room, what am I gonna do to get out of it? OH! A Nitrous Oxide tank! I'll open the tank, put it on a cart, and roll it out into the hall, where she's still shooting! Next...I need some fire! I'll throw this unidentified substance at the neon lights above to make fire! That'll ignite the nitrous oxide and make the tank a missile that will fly exactly at the Russian supermodel! What, she jumped out of the way!? Well, I suppose if I can dodge bullets, why can't she dodge my homemade guided missile. I knew I should have taped my Palm Pilot to it so I could control it better." That has to be, verbatim, what he was thinking during this scene. It was awesome.

I'm not exactly sure why Pat thinks the transporter was thinking about his Palm Pilot, but I suppose he certianly could have been. It's not like there was any good fighting going on to distract him (burn). This discription is pretty accurate - he does use a wooden door to block bullets from about ten feet away, he really does dodbe bullets at one point, and he really does start a fire by throwing what I guess was alcohol at the neon lights. The problem is that this scene takes place in a doctor's office, where the transporter ends up cornered by three goons, and only really fights one of them before running away (and setting the office on fire via his NO tank missle). There is one great moment here where a big bad buy rushes at the transporter and they go smashing through a wall - that was pretty sweet, I have to admit. But then he just sort of runs away, and the scene ends. Also, note that when he finally DOES kill the really ugly "supermodel", he does so after a "fight" that lasts all of one minute.

Oh, he also catches a bus on a jet ski. On land. Think about it.

This was probably the closes I came to leaving the theater. The waterski is shown like a quarter-mile away from the bus in one shot, then is suddenly right behind it, jumps via a convient ramp onto the freeway, slides FASTER THAN THE BUS for about 100 feet, allowing the transporter to catch up to the bus. This sort of thing is completely acceptable if done awesomely, but not so acceptable when done goofily. The saving grace of this whole sequence is probably when he first jumps on the jet ski there's a girl on it, and he like flips her over her head so that she's sitting behind him. That was weird, but better than the entire rest of the "chase".

So, in conclusion, he can drive, he can fight, he can make bombs out of anything, he's quick, he's clever, he's benevolent, he's well-dressed, he's good with kids, he can fly a plane, he can hold his breath for apparently five minutes, and he's available for a job (thank God they set this up for a sequel).

When did he hold his breath for five minutes? When did he fly a plane?

I remember him BEING in a plane, and that plane smashing into the ocean (and the transporter performing a completely stupid-looking dive away from the front of the plane when he sees it's going to crash (see above)), and him surfacing shortly there after (you know, after the plans smashes into the ocean at full speed and he just sort of opens the door and swims out). And I didn't notice how it's set up for a sequel. But I guess there's always stuff to be moved.

Wait a second...this looks like a school. It is a school! What is this...The Pacifier meets, um, The Transporter? Who's gonna want some young, dumb kid? Snooze fest, right?

WRONG!

So, in conclusion, let me just say, Snooze fest, right? RIGHT! Also, Pat told me there may be a whip fight in this movie. THERE WAS NOT. But we must realize that Pat's review itself was anything but a snooze fest. This leads me to my final point concerning the transporter: Pat's review of The Transporter 2 was 100 times better than The Transporter 2. That being said, Pat Hayden is a genius.

THE JUST LIKE HEAVEN REVIEW
Okay! Yeah! The Transporter 2 was bad, but now we get some ghosts! Whoo! Alright!

Did you just feel a chill?

Well, sometimes people feel a chill when a ghost is around, but that can't be the case here. That's right, that chill you just felt was because THERE ARE NO GHOSTS IN JUST LIKE HEAVEN. I'll leave a moment for that to sink in.

No ghosts. The entire movie SCREAMS "I have ghosts in me!" Just look at the damn poster (yes I saw this movie, want to fight about it?): "It's a wonderful afterlife." CLEARLY there are ghosts in this movie! There's no question about it! This movie is going to have so many ghosts that even HDR and P2K, reknowned ghost affecionados will enjoy the ghost antics! Well, folks, they completely screwed the world. They tricked us into seeing their movie with the promise of ghosts and ghost romance and Mark Ruffalo's trademark brand of charming weirdness making a ghost happy again. Or SOMETHING. But instead we get Reese Witherspoon in a coma. A freaking coma.

Turns out Mark Ruffalo rents an apartment that Reese Witherspoon used to live in before she di- fell into a coma. After Mark moves in, Reese starts showing up, but she can't remember anything. Mark helps her figure out who she is, and they fall in love. Oh joy, but that's the crap I expected here. What I did not expect was that I wouldn't care about it at all.

After about an hour, Reese Witherspoon finds her body, all hooked up to equipment and whatnot. This is when the film completely looses it. The "bad guy" is another doctor at the hospital who convinces Reese's sister to pull the plug. Mark tries to talk her out of it, but fails. (While Mark talks to the sister, Reese realizes that her little niece can also see her for some reason, which makes NO sense, as the explination for why she comes back, and why Mark can see her is they were supposed to meet each other the night she died. Love conquers all.) So Mark finally tries to steal her body, and gets caught in the hospital hallway. At this moment I lean over to Pat's sister, Lauren, and say, "If he kisses her, and she wakes up, I'm going to riot." He did, and she did, she here I go:

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Okay. So she wakes up, and (suprise, suprise) she can't remember Mark. But that only lasts about five minutes, until Mark builds her a garden and she remembers everything. Okay, ready for the best part? When Reese was a non-ghost, she said, "I feel like if you could touch me, really touch me, I could wake up." Well, he finally "really touches" her by kissing her body.

(ASIDE: The night before the plug is going to be pulled on Reese's body, Mark says they can do anything she wants - go to Paris, see the ocean, whatever. She says she has something she wants to do, and she and Mark lay down in bed together to have non-ghost sex, I guess. This is where she says the, "If you could really touch me, I'd wake up," line. EVERYONE thought he was going to go the hospital and get on her unconscious body.)

Okay, so Mark "really touches" Reese by kissing her body when she's in a coma. How can he really touch her when she's awake agian, though? Why, by touching her soul. He builds her this beautiful garden (which just happens to look like a garden she imagines herself in to calm down at work), and it "really touches" her, and she remembers him ("wakes up"). And we assume they get married and live happily ever after.

That's pretty much how it ends. Mark and Reese end up together, ghosts everywhere are irate for being implicitly involved in this movie, and I wish we had seen Roll Bounce.

The big problem here is not just that the movie sucked, it's that the non-ghost sucked. Even if the show/movie they are found in isn't so good, ghosts tend to be great. I think this stems from the fact that they are dead. Dead dead. Not comming back dead. This limits the effects their actions can have, their stories usually involve warning the living, or setting one last thing right, or just having a good time in an Ewok village. In Just Like Heaven, Reese Witherspoon comes back to life!

So un-ghosts are no good. Real ghosts rule. In closing, Here's just a small sample of the ghosts we've come to know and love, hopefully this makes up for their good names being dragged through the mud just a little bit.


This is the Ghost of Christmas Present. The Christmas Story is a tale full of ghosts.


This is the ghost of Jacob Marly, also from The Christmas Story. The ghosts in this story are especially good in the Disney and Muppet versions.


Fucking Casper. Even a ghost as lame as Casper is fun. Look at him, I guess he's stepping in some concrete with some boots he found. Wonderful!


Even these pictures where people say dust is ghosts are fun.


Jedi ghosts. These ghosts kicked some serious ass in their day, and now they just show up for the party. These ghosts know how to do it.


More recently there have been some decent ghosts seen running around in Supernatural on the WB. Here, I guess the house is a ghost.