It's all downhill from here

Sorry for my recent absence from the blog. The last couple of days have been pretty busy. More on that later, maybe.

For my first post, I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to discuss an issue of great importance to mankind. Part of me wanted to talk about a defining moment in my life. Part of me wanted to offer words of wisdom to anyone that reads it.

So of course, I decided to do all three:


Movie Review: The Transporter 2



I was back in my home court: Marcus Point theater on the west side of Madison. No more of this Evanston crap. Although it may not have had milkshakes, there would be no clowns talking through the whole movie. Thank God for that.

From the first minutes of The Transporter 2 I was hooked. Jason Statham mortally wounding four HUGE guys in such beautiful choreography (and subsequently asking the young woman pointing a gun at him, "Don't you have homework to do?") really got me going. I sat back and prepared myself for the ride of my life. I couldn't wait to see who or what the next transportee was. Drugs? The President? The Pope? Weapons? The only person who knows the cure to cancer?

Wait a second...this looks like a school. It is a school! What is this...The Pacifier meets, um, The Transporter? Who's gonna want some young, dumb kid? Snooze fest, right?

WRONG! I don't want to give the plot away, so I'll leave it at that. I will, however, give you my three favorite moments in The Transporter 2.

3. The Transporter fights off about six guys using a fire hose with a large, metal nozzle. By hooking the hose around paint cans and flinging them at a dude's head, kicking the metal nozzle at a guy like a teather ball, and using the hose as a lasso to catch someone running up the stairs, The Transporter escapes danger again. Oh, and while he's finishing them off, he ties them all up in the hose and turns it on, sending the bad dudes flying everywhere.

2. "Uh oh. There's a crazy Russian supermodel with two automatic, lazer-sighted pistols, and she's shooting the shit out of everything! All I have is this ordinary wooden door to hide behind. Thank God it can withstand gunfire! Now that I did an awesome backwards somersault into this room, what am I gonna do to get out of it? OH! A Nitrous Oxide tank! I'll open the tank, put it on a cart, and roll it out into the hall, where she's still shooting! Next...I need some fire! I'll throw this unidentified substance at the neon lights above to make fire! That'll ignite the nitrous oxide and make the tank a missile that will fly exactly at the Russian supermodel! What, she jumped out of the way!? Well, I suppose if I can dodge bullets, why can't she dodge my homemade guided missile. I knew I should have taped my Palm Pilot to it so I could control it better." That has to be, verbatim, what he was thinking during this scene. It was awesome.

1. What would you do if there was a bomb on the bottom of your car? Probably leave the car, right? That's because you're not The Transporter. This dude likes his car more than he likes his suits, which he likes more than the goods he's transporting, which I'm pretty sure he values over life. Instead he decides to take the car off a ramp, do a corkscrew in the air, and, while he's upside-down, catch the bomb on a hook on a crane. The bomb explodes before he lands (perfectly on all 4 wheels, of course). Nice try, bad dudes.

Oh, he also catches a bus on a jet ski. On land. Think about it.

So, in conclusion, he can drive, he can fight, he can make bombs out of anything, he's quick, he's clever, he's benevolent, he's well-dressed, he's good with kids, he can fly a plane, he can hold his breath for apparently five minutes, and he's available for a job (thank God they set this up for a sequel).

My recommendation: go see this movie. Then buy three copies of the DVD. That way when your jerk friend borrows a copy, you'll have a back up just in case the one you're watching gets scratched.

I'll leave you all with a quote, from user Eyes_of_Amber on the IMDb message board for this movie:

"Holy $hit!! Could Jason Stathman be any hotter in this movie?! Jesus Christ! Me and my friends were BURNING UP in the damn theatre!!Especially the part where he's all wet and he just rips his shirt off in the street!! Oh my GOD I practically fell out of my seat yelling, 'ORGASIM!! ORGASIM!!'"

Well said, Eyes_of_Amber, and well done, The Transporter 2.