The Lost Hierarchy of Hotness, or More Proof That P. Arty Is, In Fact, a Pig

As you all know, my most recent television obsession has been Lost. One reason for this obsession is that Lost has the hottest, yet extremely well-developed, characters of all time. After much debate between Marcus, Metzger, Megan, and myself, I have assembled the official Lost Hierarchy of Hotness of Team Hayden.

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After running the numbers, amazingly the pattern represents the right half of a standard normal curve. Let's take a more detailed look:

1. Jack - Holy crap, is this guy hot. This guy almost reaches Luke Danes and Legolas levels of male hotness. The moment I saw Jack wake up on the island and instantly save about six people's lives, I knew Jack was going to be king of the hierarchy. Not even his quarrel with Locke (see #8) could knock him to #2. His persistence and modest leadership, along with his huge tattoo-covered guns, make this guy the hottest Lost survivor.

2. Kate - Holy crap, is this girl hot. Barely edged out by Dr. Jack, Freckles takes second place. The recent shower scene nearly killed Metzger and me. Also painful were the scenes in which we had to watch Kate lie on top of Sawyer (twice!) and Charlie. The best Kate moments are undoubtedly when she was wading in her underwear, and swimming with Sawyer in her underwear. Freckles, we love you.

3. Shannon - Sticks would be higher on the list, if it weren't for all of her unattractive qualities, namely the snobbery and manipulativeness. The episodes in which she sunbathes have a very warm place in my heart. Especially the time when Marcus had to go downstairs to let Megan in, and Metzger and I rewound the show so we could pause it during one of those scenes.


4. Boone - Boone has got those unbelievable blue eyes also seen in the lead singer of The All-American Rejects (see the Swing, Swing video for evidence). Also, his willingness to help despite his overall incompetence gives him personality points. I look forward to seeing Boone in the upcoming thriller movie, Pulse. The only thing that was more thrilling than the trailer O-Neg, Parsley, and I saw were Boone's blue, blue eyes.

5. Claire - Yaba haba. Claire would be much higher on the list, but that pregnant period knocked her down a few points. Sans fetus, Claire is HOT. She has a less-extreme version of the Boone eyes, and a hot Australian accent. I'm jealous of Charlie's (not listed) strategy: invest time in the pregnant girl when she's pregnant, because when she's not she's gonna be banging! Last night Metzger and I broke into the double-handed knuckle bang twice in Claire's honor.

6. Sun - Once she dumped her hubby, Sun was free to show the world how much of a hotty she really is. Jin wouldn't even let her show her neck, but after their rift, Sun was showing off her hotness to the world. The only downside to her character is her doormat tendencies, but other than that Sun is one of the more consistently likeable characters on the island, contributing to her hotness rating.

7. Sawyer - Oh, Sawyer. Sawyer is undoubtedly my favorite character. So brash, but so fragile (the Jes of Lost). His southern accent and scruffiness add more charm to his character (i.e. hotness). Also, his charming nicknames for everyone (Freckles, Sticks, Chewy, Jackass, etc.) are endearing. Also, how could you not love Sawyer when he tells Jack about when he met his father or when Freckles is nowhere to be found before he leaves with Michael.

8. John Locke - His name says it all, folks. John Locke is the hottest old dude I can think of. His ability to go from cripple to master of the island within days is astounding, and his faith in "island magic" is great. His wisdom, however, is his most attractive trait. If I was ever on a deserted island, John Locke would be the second person I would most like to have with me, second to Freckles, of course.

9. Jin - At first, Jin was nothing but a pretty Korean face that was abusive to his wife, especially in that he prevented her from being a hotty. The more I watch the show, however, the more I fall in love with this guy. Like Sawyer, he's a lovable guy behind a brick wall of a personality. Despite Lisa and Megan's early clam that he is an ugly Asian dude, Jin is A-OK with me.

10. Michael - He was hot as Mercutio, and he's hot now, ladies and gentlemen. Like Dr. Jack, his dispute with Locke makes him less hot, but he was still able to just squeeze into the top 10. I'm not sure exactly why I like Michael, seeing how he's kind of a jerk to everyone. It probably has something to do with his "I'm a bad father, but I'm trying my best" plot line. I'm always a sucker for those.


Honorable Mention. Sayid - Ninety percent of the reason this guy made the
Hierarchy is because of what Megan said about him: "All you guys do is say how hot all the girls are. I'm saying I'd do Sayid." The other ten percent comes from his omnipotence: he can fix computers, triangulate radio frequencies, torture people, identify the magnetic properties of any metal, and determine the thickness of a layer of concrete just by hitting it with a platinum beam. This guy can do it all.

Did not make the list. Charlie, Hurley, Walt, Vincent, Ethan Rom, Rose, Rousseau, Marshall Edward Mars, the Dinobot, several polar bears, etc.