A Cuntry Mouse sells some Fat-Ass the Actuarial Services of GRP (Glen, Rory & Pat)

(Pulls up twenty minutes late to a lunch date outside of a Bennigan's to find his client hailing a cab to leave.)

(Rolls down window.) Alright, listen up. This here's your chance to make a lot of money - all thanks to me. Sure, you could make some cash somewhere else by working hard and NOT getting wasted in Las Vegas every weekend, but then you'd be some dumb-ass from the sticks wearing his Daddy's suit and carrying your lunch to work. You want to be rich now? Get in the car.

Good choice, kid. See the truth is money is everywhere - you just need to know how to grab it before some other chump gets lucky and has it crammed up his ass by some other dumbass you don't even know! Not following, eh? Why am I not suprised. Look (lights two cigars) - Smoke? No? You better fix that, kid - life's too short for pink lungs (smokes both cigars). It's easy. You probably don't know the first thing about mortality tables, right? Hell no - you've got better things to think about. I always say parking comes first. You gotta have a place to park your car and your dick. You take care of those two things, I'll take care of your money and the dorks down at the office will take care of setting your insurance premiums.

What, you thought I did the math? Hell no, my friend - math is the first step down a path that ends in high pants, thick glasses and horse-faced broads who don't put out. You let my associates walk that path - you and I, we'll take a hard left and head down to Miami. You think I'm kidding? Fuck.

(Pulls a sudden U-Turn.)

(Takes out a piece of Orbit Gum.)

Wanna hear a joke? (Pops gum in mouth.) What's the difference between cash and credit? (Chew) Nothin' when you own Visa. HAH! (Chew, chew) Why aren't you laughing? (Chew) You don't get it, right? (Rolls down window, spits gum into open window of next car over.) You gotta start thinking big. You know who doesn't get that joke? Small time wa-hoos who can't even imagine owning Visa. Do you even want to make shit loads of cash? Because I've got to tell you; I'm the face of GRP Actuaries and we only deal with red-blooded pussy hounds. Are you looking to get rich or not?

That's what I thought. Don't sweat it, not everybody can adjust to being a millionare that quick. You better get used to it though - as soon as you sign this contract AGR's gonna make you a fuckin' BANK. (Tosses contract on client's lap.) Our rates are ass-low, and our proficiency in the latest rate management strategies is tits-high.

Here we are - international terminal. (Leads client out of car, into the terminal.) There's a flight to Miami that leaves every day at 1:05. We're on that plane, drunk before it takes off. I don't drink with anybody I don't trust, though, and I just need to drop that contract in the mail before we head out so put some ink on that stink and let's get laid.

(Client signs contract.)

Nice - wait here. I forgot my Ray Bans in the car.

(Drives off to a 1:30 lunch meeting.)