I AM WEARING NEW SHOES! BEWARE!!

BEHOLD, YE UNWORTHY MORTALS! I have purchased new shoes, and they are upon my feet at this very moment! Marvel at the fact that, despite being the same brand (Adidas) and the same size (13) as my old shoes, THESE shoes feel too small for me, and careful inspection reveals they are, in fact, SIGNIFICANTLY SMALLER! PHYSICALLY!!

How is this possible, you ask? DO NOT MEDDLE IN AFFAIRS ABOVE YOUR CAPABILITIES, I reply! Stay down below in your comfortable existence of hair spray and "I think I have a cavity" - leave the higher-minded affairs to those of us with POWERS OF THE GODS!

These NEW SHOES are brown, no longer green, and have off-white laces! They carry three stripes, also off white, YET NOT MADE OF LACE! Hold tight to your brain and its contents as I describe the tan accents and darker-brown-almost-black-yet-still-brown bottoms or SOLES of the shoes! DID I STARTLE YOU? I HOPE NOT SO, FOR YOU WERE WARNED!!!