James! COME BACK TO MADISON NOW!

I'm typing this as I'm huddled by my computer, my eyes constantly darting behind me any time I hear any sort of noise. I live in a thin-walled, thin-cielinged, creaky old apartment, so this is often. Next to me I have an umbrella, and the plastic cover to a large Rubbermaid container. These are the best weapons I could find.

I feel like I'm literally in the city of Malton: scrounging for supplies, terrified of everything, just trying to survive. If I make it through the night, I will be amazed.

I remember the old days, when the only thing we had to worry about were mice. Oh sweet, sweet mice. Eating Metzger's Gargetos, occasionally popping out for a nice scare. They were kind of cute, weren't they? The only other problem we had then were the fictional bats in the attack.

Now, my friends, the bats are real. Well, the bat is, at least. That's right! A BAT! THE SCARIEST CREATURE OF THEM ALL:



I came back home tonight, got the mail, and spent about ten seconds reading it by my front door. Out of the corner of my eye I see something moving. I look at it, and realize it's FLYING towards me. MICE DON'T FLY!

In that moment the sinking feeling settled in. I realized I had a bat in my apartment. A BAT IN MY APARTMENT. Naturally, I ran out of my apartment, closing the door behind me. I ran outside, and looked in my apartment through the window. The bat was flying around in circles. There's not much else it could do, I guess.

I decided I need to do something. I braced myself for about twenty minutes, then I went back in my building. I was ready to make my move. I opened the door to my apartment and bolted out the door back outside to my observing post. All the bat had to do now was fly out my door and into the hall. Problem solved!

Unfortunately, bats are stupid. This bat continued to fly around in circles for another ten minutes or so. I got sick of watching this, so I stopped watching, thinking of what else I could do. All my great bat-fighting weapons were inside! I looked back in the window, and I didn't see any movement. Is it possible that my plan worked, and that the bat was no longer in my apartment? Good God, I hope so.

With my umbrella and Rubbermaid lid in hand, I searched through my apartment and found no bat. I made lots of noise, and found no bat. I found what I thought was a bat dropping on my bed, but it turned out it was just a piece of fuzz. Here we are, thirty minutes later, and I still have seen no bat. I wish more than anything that Caps was here to protect me from this awful devil of a creature.

DEAR LORD! I'M PRETTY SURE I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. As I was searching for a picture of a rubbermaid lid, I came across a page to help you make a "cricket enclosure." In the background of this awful, awful website is a soundclip of a cricket chirping. Fuck. For all I know, that's what bats sound like. I'm pretty sure in The Magic Schoolbus, when the bus turned into a bat to use echo location, the noise it made sounded a lot like a cricket.



About 45 minutes in, and still no sign of the bat. That's a good sign, right? I guess I'll just have to wait and see if it shows up. I think perhaps the scarier part, is that I had no doors or windows open. There are three possible explanations:

1. The bat got in here through some sort of hole or crack. It was a big bat, so I don't know where the f it would have gotten in, although I do have a pretty crappy apartment.

2. This bat has followed me from 208. He set up camp here and has been waiting until this opportune moment to strike.

3. Bats can travel through walls. This is the most likely option, and also the scariest.

Regardless of how it got in here, I just hope it got out. I will keep you posted on any news in the bat saga.